lacksgrace | on showbizpanache

Links (thus far):

→ Meeting
→ Follow-up
→ Meeting 2.0
→ Date
→ Jump 14
→ Attachment
→ Cheaters
→ Sorry
→ Sorry 2.0^♥
→ Drugs
→ Cheaters 2.0
→ Interests
→ Moving On
→ Gifts
→ Guns & Things
→ Static^ϟ
→ Wounds^ϟ
→ Medbay^ϟ
→ Confessions^♥
→ Flavors
→ Masks
→ Breaks^♥
→ Returns^♥
→ Ghosts
→ Therapists

When Bells first spoke to Kurt, he honestly wasn't expecting much. He didn't have any real sympathy for the kid and didn't understand a lot of what was going on. However, being the generous and totally upstanding guy he is, he offered some insight into dealing with...whatever it was Kurt had been dealing with at the time.

Needless to say, it started a spark.

Actual interest. There's something lovely and precious and fragile about Kurt that Bells can't quite put into words. To simplify things, he often reminds him of Lor, and those same sort of feelings he harbors for his best friend are beginning to roll through him. He can't process them, so he probably comes off a little impulsive, overbearing, and completely headstrong when interacting with him. This is how he deals with emotions he hasn't felt in a long time. More than that, he's persistent, and Kurt's own hesitation is actually a good thing for Bells too. Patience isn't something he's known for anyway.

The more time Bells spends with Kurt, the less he feels the need to slip back into his old habits too. The drugs, yes. Even drinking or random, promiscuous sex that hasn't been a problem for him since coming aboard the Tranquility hasn't been too high on his list of priorities either. Much like Lor, Kurt seems to generally accept him for who he is without wanting more than that. Bells has even become a little more open about things where he was once closed off.

Not entirely trusting, not yet. But it's a start.

He's actively seeking to learn as much as he can about Kurt—another thing he isn't sure how to process the more they continue to see each other. Humans have always been strange to him, and it's frustrating to have his boundaries tested even as he pushes Kurt's own. Given that he considers their first "date" a success, things can only continue to escalate between them. Perhaps Bells will let Kurt in to the extent he's only let one other person in his entire life. Perhaps it's only a distant hope that won't quite reach that point. Yet, this attraction of his (theirs?) has inevitably started.

Whatever the reason, Bells knows he wants him, and that's more than enough for him. For now.

And then, suddenly, Blaine Anderson. Two words: N O

On a more serious note though, Bells doesn't actually know what to think of him. He strongly dislikes cheaters—all part of that angelic "loyalty" still so imbedded in him despite how much he hates to admit it. But Kurt still seems (?) to want him around, and Blaine has no recollection of doing that in the first place. For once, he's approaching all of this relatively slow instead of doing what he normally does: taking what he wants and leaving someone else to sort out the mess.

Yet, he doesn't understand a lot about what's made him change so much in the last few months. Could the drugs have been doing that to him? Could they have eaten so much of the emotion he's suddenly - and most often - overwhelmed with? Bells doesn't know what he's supposed to believe at this point, but he isn't going to stop. Whatever this is - Kurt, entirely all Kurt - has become another addiction for him, and he wants it more than anything he's ever wanted before.

Even more than sex, which Bells is also trying to process. The longer he's with Kurt, the more everything Lor has told him makes sense. Humans are delicate, a much needed Handle With Care project, and it's not about the physical contact. It's simply about the need to be, to have someone else who cares when there hadn't been before. Most importantly, Bells is having trouble trusting himself with the progress he's made, and he feels that Kurt's friends may be justified in worrying about whether or not he's going to be safe with him.

He has a recurring theme of screwing up A Good Thing, and he honestly doesn't want to hurt him or anyone. It's just going to take a while for him to work up to admitting those things and apologizing where he needs to--especially to Blaine. Maybe, just maybe, he's actually afraid of what that would mean.

~~To be clear, Bells and Kurt are still Not Dating.~~

After the 15^th jump and discovering Blaine gone, Bells is cautious about pressing matters due to the strain his presence had caused on whatever relationship they'd had--they seem to fall into place almost naturally though, as if Blaine's showing up had silently pushed them in that direction. I want to be yours. Now, it's less about repeatedly confirming his attraction/intentions to Kurt and more about proving he's meant what he's said the entire time. He's willing to go out of his way without expecting anything in return, and he likes the way being with Kurt makes him feel. Bells doesn't have to pretend to be something he's not when he's with him, and that's beyond (strangely) comforting.

And since he's absurdly honest with Kurt in comparison to many of the other people he's gotten to know on the ship, Bells admits that he's afraid. Afraid of hurting him, afraid of getting so deeply attached when they aren't in control of who stays or goes, afraid of letting go and trusting someone else. Beyond all that though, Bells himself doesn't want to face the same rejection he had so long ago, and if he's not careful, his own history might repeat itself.

Still, it's not enough to keep him away. Bells needs Kurt; he just doesn't realize how much quite yet.

Things are a mess. No. Things are fucked up.

Since Kurt's disappearance and Bells' determination to find him, keep him safe, things had been fine between them. Even the big L word has gone and went for the first time since they'd started seeing each other, a combination of fear (because the ship could do anything to them) and necessity (needing to know they'd be there for each other). Bells is, surprisingly, okay with this; he's never openly admitted he's loved anyone save for Lor and his father--both hadn't gotten him anywhere at all however. Kurt's different, and there's something safe about admitting such a vulnerability again.

But this isn't about love now.

On the 17^th jump, Lor's gone. Bells can feel it even before he sees the empty grav couch, a connection gone wrong and cold.

He snaps.

Lor means, had meant everything to him. He'd been a friend, his salvation in Hell, his eternal constant that had never gone or betrayed or hurt him in the ways Bells still sought to heal from. He'd been hope and good things and that little bit of Heaven he still can't let go of, even after centuries of being cast out. Now, there's some strange emptiness filling him up, and slowly, Bells is losing everyone he'd considered important. The anger is taking control, making him the person he'd never wanted to become, and he fears he's going to turn out like his brother—cold, ruthless, uncaring. He's hurting, and with that hurt comes an unimaginable lack of compassion.

Even with the few remaining people he can count on - Jo, Alex, possibly Dean and maybe Meg - it still doesn't fix that he's done what he'd been afraid of doing: hurting Kurt. Now, he's alone again. Kurt isn't there, a gap has come between them, and he feels like he's Falling over and over again.

It's much worse this time though, and he's not so sure there will be anyone left when he hits the bottom and attempts to make the climb back to some middle ground. It's his punishment, after all, and it's all he thinks he deserves.

...

Kurt disappears on the 18^th jump. For the most part, Bells seems to be dealing with this far better than the time he's lost Lor, but it's only on the outside. He tears their room apart looking for the HL he'd given Kurt near the beginning of their relationship, and not being able to find it, he starts pushing away all the others who care for him. He fought with Jo. He tried to ignore Alex. Of course, it only lasted so long since Jo vanished somewhere into the ship, and he spends the next several weeks looking through it with Dean--the last person he'd ever really want to pair up with at this point. They have a very on-again, off-again friendship, and being trapped days on end inside the ship is a particular necessity he can do without.

He's slowly crashing into something a bit more mentally unstable, and by the time the next jump rolls around (20 rather than 19), he's convinced the ship has made him crazy: Kurt is back. He's really there, though Bells is convinced for the longest time that he's a ghost or some figment of his imagination that his mind's concocted to help him feel better solely so he can cope.

Now, though, they're both slipping (Bells for obvious reasons and because Kurt has killed someone — albeit accidentally), and finding methods to deal with this are beginning to tear them apart.

last updated: 05|21