No! [ Because fuck Dean and his insecurities, his lack of courage. At least Bells knows when important things are right in front of him, and he's moving close, gripping Jo by the shoulders. ] I don't wanna hurt you anymore. You don't deserve that.
I like you. You're-- [ He looks down, trying to figure out the word. All of this hurts, and Bells hates feeling so weak. ] You're one of the only people I have left that I care about. If you're away from me, you'll be safe. Do you get that?
I need to take care of you because you're really all I've got. And I can't promise that if you stay with me.
[ for right now she doesn't move away when he grabs at her shoulders. just glares up at him, her jaw set. ]
If you care about me, pushing me away is going to do the exact opposite. I'm not some little girl who needs saving or protecting, and somehow neither you nor Dean get that.
[ that's when she finally jerks her shoulders away from him, getting out of his hold just to put a finger to his chest, pissed. ]
But if this is what you want to do, fine. [ she pushes away from him, still glaring. still pressing her teeth together to keep the anger there, and not letting her face break into anything else. not letting him see how much this hurts. ] Fine.
[ He feels like he's going to vomit. Which, all things considered, isn't the worst thing he could feel, but it's still pretty bad. And for a second, he considers letting her walk out the door, out of his life and back to hers like it doesn't matter. Yet, it does, and he's beginning to really understand why all of this means so much.
The jab to his chest is like a rod through his heart. ]
Wait. Jo, wait. [ He's pleading, and a hand reaches out to grab her arm. ] I didn't mean it like that. I know you're not a little girl. Come on— Please.
[ the worst part is, she doesn't want to wait. she's so done with having this fight with dean, and now bells too? someone who she thought...no. it's not like it matters now, because he apparently thinks the same. that she can't handle herself, can't handle the ship.
but she doesn't walk out. not yet. she stops and turns and when he reaches out for her, she jerks her arm away before he can get a grip. just continues to glare at him. ]
How did you mean it, then? That's I'm being dumb in wanting to stick around? That's I need to stay away because I need protecting? Because I can't do it on my own?
[ she's hurt, and she's lashing out, and maybe when she looks back on this she'll regret saying some of this, but for now...well. she can't really hold back. ]
I know you can do it on your own, dammit. You're one of the toughest people I know. [ Maybe he's yelling a little now. Because yelling clearly means he's going to be heard, going to be understood, and he wants to keep Jo there. He needs Jo so much more than he thinks he does. ] I already told you, okay? I can't...
I lost Lor, and I've lost Kurt. [ His voice cracks on his name, eyes burning to the point he has to rub them with the back of his hand. ] I don't wanna lose you too. That's all.
Can't what? Lose me too? [ and that almost makes it worse, makes her want to yell back. scream back in his face. his voice cracks and she can feel her throat shake but she won't let herself do this ] Because you'll push me away?
I don't know how many times you want me to say it, Bells. Unless this ship forces me back home, I'm not going anywhere. The only way you'll lose me is shit like this.
[ and that's it. that's all she wants to say. so with that final word, she turns back to the door. ]
[ He's not sure what else he can say to keep her from leaving, and it seems easier to just let her do as she pleases. But something in what she says gives him a reason to pursue it. ]
We promised each other, you know. It's the same thing we said to each other, and guess what? He's gone. He just-- [ No, he won't say it. He can't. ] How do you know you'll still be here? You don't. I don't have the power to follow you home, Jo. I'd go with you if I could, but who says I can, huh?
[ He tries for a breath. ] What do you expect me to do?
[ there's a part of her that just wants to walk out, and she almost does. she makes it all the way to the door before she stops, takes a breath and turns back to him. ]
If the ship sends me home, fine. But that doesn't meant I'm not going to fight to stay. I'm going to do everything I can to stay. Because in case you forgot? I don't really have a home for you to follow me to.
[ and then something in her face darkens for a moment, because she doesn't know what she wants him to do. not really. but this is definitely not it. after a moment, she sighs. shakes her head. ]
I don't know. [ she turns again, pausing only as she steps out for half a moment. ] I'll let you know if I figure it out.
[ He hasn't moved since she pulled away, but when she's out of the room, he's following her so fast he has to grip the edge of the door frame to keep himself steady. ]
Jo— I'm sorry. [ This is what Lor had meant, isn't it? All that time ago, this is what he'd meant about Bells and other people. ] Please... I'm sorry.
[ she doesn't stop when she hears him, too angry to care enough to respond. she doesn't need his apology right now when she knows it's just him trying to cover his tail.
no, she came to help and he didn't want it. obviously she's not wanted, so she'll leave.
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lacksgrace) wrote2035-08-13 11:36 pm
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I dunno. A lot? Come on, Jo. He doesn't want me hanging around. I get that much, okay? I'm not stupid.
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[ it's suddenly dawning on her what Bells is implying, and all those feelings are turning into anger. ]
Are you actually saying you want to stop being friends with me because of Dean?
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I like you. You're-- [ He looks down, trying to figure out the word. All of this hurts, and Bells hates feeling so weak. ] You're one of the only people I have left that I care about. If you're away from me, you'll be safe. Do you get that?
I need to take care of you because you're really all I've got. And I can't promise that if you stay with me.
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[ for right now she doesn't move away when he grabs at her shoulders. just glares up at him, her jaw set. ]
If you care about me, pushing me away is going to do the exact opposite. I'm not some little girl who needs saving or protecting, and somehow neither you nor Dean get that.
[ that's when she finally jerks her shoulders away from him, getting out of his hold just to put a finger to his chest, pissed. ]
But if this is what you want to do, fine. [ she pushes away from him, still glaring. still pressing her teeth together to keep the anger there, and not letting her face break into anything else. not letting him see how much this hurts. ] Fine.
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The jab to his chest is like a rod through his heart. ]
Wait. Jo, wait. [ He's pleading, and a hand reaches out to grab her arm. ] I didn't mean it like that. I know you're not a little girl. Come on— Please.
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but she doesn't walk out. not yet. she stops and turns and when he reaches out for her, she jerks her arm away before he can get a grip. just continues to glare at him. ]
How did you mean it, then? That's I'm being dumb in wanting to stick around? That's I need to stay away because I need protecting? Because I can't do it on my own?
[ she's hurt, and she's lashing out, and maybe when she looks back on this she'll regret saying some of this, but for now...well. she can't really hold back. ]
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I lost Lor, and I've lost Kurt. [ His voice cracks on his name, eyes burning to the point he has to rub them with the back of his hand. ] I don't wanna lose you too. That's all.
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I don't know how many times you want me to say it, Bells. Unless this ship forces me back home, I'm not going anywhere. The only way you'll lose me is shit like this.
[ and that's it. that's all she wants to say. so with that final word, she turns back to the door. ]
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We promised each other, you know. It's the same thing we said to each other, and guess what? He's gone. He just-- [ No, he won't say it. He can't. ] How do you know you'll still be here? You don't. I don't have the power to follow you home, Jo. I'd go with you if I could, but who says I can, huh?
[ He tries for a breath. ] What do you expect me to do?
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If the ship sends me home, fine. But that doesn't meant I'm not going to fight to stay. I'm going to do everything I can to stay. Because in case you forgot? I don't really have a home for you to follow me to.
[ and then something in her face darkens for a moment, because she doesn't know what she wants him to do. not really. but this is definitely not it. after a moment, she sighs. shakes her head. ]
I don't know. [ she turns again, pausing only as she steps out for half a moment. ] I'll let you know if I figure it out.
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Jo— I'm sorry. [ This is what Lor had meant, isn't it? All that time ago, this is what he'd meant about Bells and other people. ] Please... I'm sorry.
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no, she came to help and he didn't want it. obviously she's not wanted, so she'll leave.
and get a drink. a drink sounds good. ]