lacksgrace | [ic contact]

Uh. I don't even know what that is. [ Wrong time, wrong universe. ] And I dunno. People might ask. That's what they do when they're bored.

I doubt that anyone even knows that I talk to you.

[ He squints. ] Are you saying that like it's a good or bad thing?

I don't think it needs to be qualified. I don't generally gossip about who I have conversations about Hell with. [She doesn't really gossip... at all. Most of the people she communicates with she treats as straight lines, never expecting them to intersect.]

Yeah, I guess. I kinda-- [ Lost it. Went a lot crazy. He pauses, biting at his lip and not entirely sure what he's even trying to say here. ] Let's just say I fucked up. More than fucked up. So if you wanna have more of those conversations, they'll have to wait.

[She frowns.]

Never said I did. [She wonders what he did, why he thinks he fucked up, but she's at that edge of stepping too far in and caring too much about another angel.]

I'm not gonna kid-glove you either; so, if you want to vent or whatever, knock yourself out, but I'm not going to ask. I'm sure you've already got people more than happy to do that.

Not really. [ And wow, that hurts to say because it's mostly true. He doesn't have anyone anymore. He just keeps screwing it up or losing them or both. ] Most of 'em are gone now. Not sure telling you about my problems is gonna make everything right either.

It won't. [She'll be honest.]

Talking about things never fixes them. It helps you figure out what you need to actually do when you get off your ass and fix them, but if words fixed things I'm sure everything would be a lot easier. [People would actually believe other people instead of needing proof of their good behavior all the time.]

Either way, I came to check on you. You can take that however you want to, Bells. [IT IS SERIOUS. She did not Jingles him.]

[ Okay, he'll bite. But it's kind of touch-and-go for a minute, mulling over what it is he wants to say. Finally, he settles on: ]

Have you ever loved someone? I don't mean, like. I dunno. Out of necessity or because you had to. Just, you know. Loved 'em for being who they are.

[This... wow, this is not something she thought she'd have to talk about. EVER. It's easier to brush it all off. To lift an eyebrow as if to say that they're all crazy. Naturally, she thinks they are.]

If I tell you that I don't remember a lot of being human, that it was so long ago that I'm not sure I ever - [She pauses. She barely remembers why she sold her soul.]

I think everyone's capable of sacrificing part of themselves for someone else. If that's love or if that's just accepting someone for exactly what they are... [There's a half-shrug.]

It shouldn't feel like you fucked up, I know that.

I don't mean it like that either. [ He runs a hand through his hair, sitting up again. It's kind of dark where he's at, so the shadows contort his face a bit. ] I've done the whole sacrificing out of what I thought was love thing. I ended up in Hell. This, uh. I think this is something much bigger than that. [ And he rubs at the back of his neck. ]

So when I say I fucked up, I mean it's worse. I dunno if I can fix it, and I need to. It's the sort of thing I'd go to Hell for all over again, and it wouldn't even matter because it's that important to me.

[She listens, mostly because that's what she's good at. She's always been the one to listen. Find the cues, learn the small details because that's what gets her the information she needs. To get to Sam, to find Dean, to figure out what the angels want with one of their broken soldiers...

Her fingers rub to her chin, thinking about what he says and trying to figure out if she can even try to figure out what to say. All of her humanity has been relearned. The examples she's seen aren't exactly shining, but she knows that what he says is important. That the effort he wants to put forth is probably more important than actually succeeding. It feels familiar. Trying even if you know it's going to be a mistake, even if you know you're screwed no matter what. Maybe that's the point.]

What makes you think wanting that - knowing that it might not work - but still wanting to fix it doesn't count for anything?

Edited (derp. she doesn't find netflix she finds details.) 2013-04-11 14:57 (UTC)

Humans are-- [ He lets out a breath, trying to word it right so there are no misconceptions. Bells isn't too good with them, not when it counts, so he's sure it's going to get lost in translation somewhere. ] They're not like us. [ Or him. Or whatever. He doesn't know how Meg's version of demon works. ] I mean, wanting to is never the same as actually doing it to them. Most of 'em need that reassurance, I guess. That everything's gonna be okay even if it's not.

Existing forever gives you a different perception of things. As much as I wanna forget... It might not even happen. You lose people, and if they do come around, they're usually not the same.

[She forgets... has forgotten a lot. Time sort of bleeds and the bodies she's chosen over the years, the people she's just taken to be her own have merged into one long lifeline that no one would want to hear about.]

I think there's something to be said for intent, though. Having the intent and going through with it, even if you fail - that's better than not doing anything at all, right?

Maybe. [ The word is kind of dry in his mouth, and he licks at his lips, sighs and rubs his hands through his hair. ] It's not like I'm gonna sit here and hope something happens. 'Cause it won't. I just, uh.

[ There's a bitter smile. ] I'm no good at waiting around.